I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
