Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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