guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
