OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Randomize
