Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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