If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
