Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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