Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
