At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I fill condoms, not promises.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
