When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
