its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize