Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
