I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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