nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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