hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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