I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize