On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
