as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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