the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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