If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
