Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
