At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
