I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
