i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
bring money and cleavage
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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