I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
