ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Can Purell be used as lube?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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