Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
