I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
