somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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