She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
