i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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