I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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