i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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