So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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