I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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