Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
