when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
