so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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