i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
