My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
