I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Girls should come with a carfax report
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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