Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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