Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
