remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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