Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
