I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
