i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
