I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize