You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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