please come you make the beer taste better
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize