I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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