Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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