I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
