please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
