It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
