If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You ruined the universe
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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