ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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