So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize