I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
