I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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