Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
