Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
