when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
