Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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