Please, let me fuck your mom
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
