I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
