Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
