Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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