The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
