Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
